Yoga and Me

Yoga:

The word "yoga" comes from the Sanskrit root yuj,
which means "to join" or "to yoke".

Yoga is a practical aid, not a religion. Yoga is an ancient art based on a harmonizing system of development for the body, mind, and spirit. (yoga.org)

I have been practicing yoga on and off for many years.  I started taking yoga classes that were offered for free at out free gym at my university when I was 19 or 20 (13-14 years ago).  My consistency varied.  At best, I attended weekly classes.  When things got busy, I didn't go for long periods.  When I graduated, I no longer had access to the gym.  I started again when I started grad school and again had free access to gym with the same inconsistent pattern as before.  Wherever I went I would seek out yoga classes with varied success but mostly, I'd manage to find a gym that offered it included with a cheap gym membership.  I always took a beginner class.
Because of my lack of consistency, I never graduated higher than a beginner status.  Why did I do it?   It felt good, that was the extent of my understanding.  My favorite part was Savassana ("corpse" pose and meditation at the end, usually 5-10 minutes depending on the instructor).  I had no goals for yoga.  I never did home practice.  Yoga was not a part of my life, just a deviation that lasted for the duration of the class and ended when I stepped out of the class and for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before the feeling of calm and peace I got from it faded away.
I didn't understand and never pondered the true meaning of yoga.  I knew, I loved the relaxation I felt.  I loved pushing my body a bit during the classes.  As far as long term benefits, there were none.
I never began to progress with yoga until recently (as in the past year or 2) when I began a home practice.  Mostly because I realized it was senseless to pay for a class when after over 10 years of attending classes, I pretty much knew the poses and transitions and how to meditate at the end of each session.  Also, finding life increasing stressful and my levels of anxiety and sometimes even depression rising, I needed to find some peace. When I began doing home practice, I fell in love with it.  I was in the lead.  I chose the music that I found relaxing, I lit candles, rolled out my yoga mat and I pushed myself knowing my own limits.  There was no one to compete with, there was no pressure to stay in an excruitiating position because the instructor was dictating it and I had to "keep up".  It was just me and my yoga mat and I loved it.  I began to do it daily instead of weekly and began to see progress for first time.
I had recently discovered Instagram and although I recommend using social media sparingly (it can be addictive and a source for comparison and judgment), I found an amazing yoga community on there.  I would wake up each morning and check my Instagram to find inspirational words from yogis around the world, inspiring me to continue my practice.  Before I long, I started documenting some of my yoga and sharing my  journey with the world too.
Most importantly though, I found a change in my outlook.  I came to understand the principles of yoga that extend beyond a yoga mat, beyond being physically flexible and strong.  There were tools there to help me with my propensity for anxiety and depression.  As a sensitive person, the world would often overwhelm me.  Always has.  I have begun a journey of building a reserve of peace and calm within myself that I can tap into when life threatens to drown me.  I have learned that although I can't control outside circumstances, I can find peace in myself.
I call it a "journey" and "practice" because the work is never done.  I am cultivating kindness, peace and love within myself.   There are still good times and bad times.  I lose my cool sometimes, have the occasional meltdown, cry, yell, let anger get the best of me.  None of that has changed.  But I am more aware of my patterns and more in control of them.  When I find myself in a dark hole, I have the tools to crawl out.  Sometimes, I find myself in a bad place and I feel like, all this yoga-ing and meditating isn't working because it hasn't taken away the pain and suffering.  Then I remember it's not supposed to.  It's just the principle that it's all OK.  It's being at peace with the suffering just as I am at peace with the joy.  It sounds like an oxymoron but if you live it, you understand.  I will sum it up with a quote from whom I don't know the origin but it basically sums up the principle of yoga that is the most difficult for people to accept and the most crucial at least for me:
"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle".  I remind myself of this often.
Namaste!