My Hair Journey (from 2 years ago)

Below is a note I wrote on Facebook back in Sept of 2010... 2 years ago! I was a new natural then and it was long before I even thought of starting this blog but I felt the need to chronicle the amazing journey and share it somehow. It was interesting to go back and read about how I was feeling way back then. I hope this inspires you:

My Hair Journey (... So far) So as many of you have noticed, I cut my hair off the beginning of June. I had been planning this for awhile and finally found the guts to go through with it. My first reaction: like I was seeing myself for the first time. Good thing or bad thing, you ask? A little of both. The first thing I noticed was the shape of my head and my face, like I'd never seen it before. I couldn't quite put a finger on what I found so bizarre about my head and my face (which I had looked at in the mirror many times before). Maybe it's because my head isn't very long and my head looked small ... or something. I wasn't sure. It took awhile to get used to. I felt naked. So what led up to this? I'd never considered going natural. I just never thought of it as an option that was for me. I never paid attention to the other people who wore their natural hair, except for the ones who have bi-racial hair, with big poofy perfectly defined curls. I admired their hair, but knew that's not what mine would look like. So I looked, but the thought of wearing my hair natural never even crossed my mind. I guess it was my ex-boyfriend who originally planted the seeds. He is not of my race and any comments on my hair, even with the most affection, were very unwelcome and I let him know that. But he persisted, in the sweetest way he could. "Why don't you wear your natural hair?" It incited defensiveness in me. What does a white guy know about a black woman's hair? And is it any of his business? I assumed that he assumed I had the type of hair I described above and once he saw my kinky coarse hair, he would scoff. I also felt strongly that he should keep his opinion on what I should do with my hair to himself. But even in my anger, deep down I thought about it. He had planted the seeds but they weren't growing. They just sat there in the back of my mind until one day out of nowhere, my sister told me she was considering going natural. I hadn't mentioned anything to her about the conversations with my then-boyfriend so it was seemingly out of nowhere. In response, I said the last thing I would have imagined myself to say: "Me too!". Maybe it was hearing it from a fellow "sister" who had hair like mine instead of a white guy who knew nothing about black hair. But I was now open to it. Fear and excitement filled me. I went three months without a relaxer, longer than I had ever gone since my first relaxer at 9 years old. And then it all crashed. My then-boyfriend and I broke up and I was single again. I felt vulnerable! I had so many decisions to make, many which had nothing to do with my hair. But my vulnerability was breaking me and I told my sister I wasn't sure if I'd be able to continue on this journey with her. Even then, I persisted. On Feb. 14 2010, a week after my sister did her "Big Chop", I caved and relaxed mine. I won't say I immediately regretted it. I was a little relieved but I although my hair was straight and silky, it was still broken and damaged and I knew it wasn't the right thing. As I got over the breakup and readjusted to some changes in my life, I began to entertain going natural again. My sister at this time was already natural and loving it and giving me inspiration everyday. Another 3 1/2 months of no relaxer and I finally cut it in June. I had gotten lots of encouragement from people who didn't even have any idea what I was planning. I was working in a hospital at the time. Hospitalized patients tend to be at their most vulnerable it brings out the best or worst in people. In my experience, some of the nicest, memorable people I've met are patients I worked with in the hospital, but that's a different note for another day. I was transitioning and was no longer able to wear my hair down, so I'd slick it back and bobby pin it down so my face was exposed. I got lots of compliments on my face and how much better it looked unmasked by hair, although I'd always had short hair, I usually had bangs framing, or concealing my face. Apparently I have a nice face and nice bone structure and don't need hair at all! At least that's what people were leading me to believe. One patient, an elderly lady who apparently used to be a model (she had many pictures of her young self in her hospital room) told me I had a great face and a lovely hairline. That one perplexed me, but it made me feel good nonetheless. So I figured, if I look more beautiful without hair in my face, I'll probably shine even more once I cut it all off. Well that confidence didn't always stay with me after I did it. I had bad days. But I still got compliments at work. I had inspired some black women at the hospital to do it, others said I had the face for it but it was just not for them, and some looked or even stared but said nothing. Those ones made me most self-conscious. One of my co-workers a middle aged woman who apparently had a wild streak, told me I had "sexy" hair. No one laughed or scoffed and I didn't hear any whispers. People mostly just got over it. My hair felt dry and rough at first and some days I looked in the mirror and didnt' like what I saw despite the affirmations. But I learned what products to use, how to care for it and the #1 requirement": wear it with confidence no matter how you feel! Most people don't even notice your bad hair day, but they do notice if you look downtrodden and dejected. They notice if you look confident and self- assured. I've had a few days of regret but by and large, as with most of my life experiences, I would do it all again! Someone once said, you are more likely to regret they things you didnt' do that the things you did. I try to live by that in instances where it makes sense which is most of them. It hasn't failed me yet!